it's too important to stay the way it's been
by Canne
Summary: “Allan’s departure has had a ripple effect on all the relationships within the camp.” Djaq POV.


**Title:** (it's too important) to stay the way it's been  
**Characters:** Djaq-centric (the gang's all here)  
**Word Count:** 876  
**Rating:** G  
**Summary:** "Allan's departure has had a ripple effect on all the relationships within the camp."  
**Author's Notes:** Okay, so I think this will probably surprise anyone who know me and my general dislike of Djaq. Title comes from Death Cab for Cutie's "Title and Registration".

* * *

Lately, Djaq feels lost in the camp, at odds with her surroundings and her companions. There are only five of them left in the camp now, and, not surprisingly, Allan's absence has thrown off the group's dynamic.

The first week is the worst, waking up every morning, stretching and glancing around her, only to see his bed roll, lying by Will's, undisturbed. She is so used to seeing him there, his blond hair mused over a face transformed in sleep. While most people look younger at rest, Allan looks older. During the day, he is rarely without a smile, a wink, a roguish twist of his lips. But when he sleeps, that is when Djaq sees the real Allan, a man who tosses and turns, crying out against invisible attackers, and whimpering at ancient pains. Without animation, his face is tired, old. She finds she likes him more this way.

Now, she does not like him at all, although sometimes she needs to be reminded of that.

She thinks Much sees her pain and at the end of the first week the bed roll is gone, to where she does not ask.

Allan's departure has had a ripple effect on all the relationships within the camp. Without him, there is no buffer now, between Djaq and Will. The boy's earnestness and adoration unnerve her. So sweet, but so young, too young, and not just in years. She thinks she could love him, probably will one day, but right now she cannot. She is not ready to be happy quite yet. Will does not understand this, and doubtless neither would Robin, to whom pleasure deferred is pleasure lost, but Much and Little John, they understand her, and she finds herself more and more in their company.

They are not a talkative trio, Djaq, Much, and Little John, when left on their own. To her surprise, it is Djaq who talks the most. She tells them of her family, her parents, her cousins, her many aunts and uncles. She doesn't know why, perhaps it is so that she doesn't forget them herself. She finds happiness in these moments and can almost smell her home and feel the heat of the sun on her face as she talks.

Some days, they wander the woods gathering herbs and berries, sharing the cures they have learned over the years. She is surprised by how much she learns from these two men, the servant and the woodsman. It is as her father always said: everywhere you look, there is always more to be learned. He would like these men, she thinks. Not Robin, definitely not him, but Much and Little John he would like. And she likes them too, more than she would like to admit.

She hadn't meant to fall in love. Always, in the back of her mind, was poor Will, watching her with those lovesick eyes, spurred and despondent in his sorrow. She will fall in love with him one day, she is sure of it. However, she hadn't intended to fall in love in the meantime.

It is a woman's prerogative to analyse and compare before deciding to fall in love. Sometimes it is done consciously, sometimes not, but always it is done. She hadn't meant to fall in love in love with the woodsman, but she had. Somehow she had chosen him over all the others. Over loyal, earnest Will, over bright, fierce Robin, over sweet, devoted Much. Had you asked her, she would never have consciously made this choice. But she once she had, unwittingly, she could not go back.

Nothing will ever happen between them, she knows that. He sees her as another member of the gang, labeling her as 'the healer', not even 'the woman'. They are friends, dear friends, but that is all. It is a bitter thing, to be loved, but not as you want to be loved. Again, she knows that Much can see how she feels, and his understanding, his sympathy, is felt in their every contact. Often, he lays a consoling hand on her shoulder, so briefly that only they know it was every there. It is a little action, but it means so much to her. They never talk, would never dare to, but it is good to know that some else understands, that she is not as alone as she sometimes feels.

And then, some days, she doesn't feel at all alone. Tonight, sitting around the fire with everyone again, with the newly arrived Marian who has brought real laugher back into their lives, she feels warm for the first time since Allan's departure. She feels loved and complete. And then, as he tells one of his horrible jokes, he absentmindedly places one of his large hands over hers. At that moment, the world seems perfect, even though they're soaked from the rain and exhausted from the afternoon's flight out of Nottingham, even though Allan is still with the Sheriff and tomorrow promises yet another battle with Gisborne and his men. At that moment, nothing else in the world matters, aside from the weight of his hand on hers. It doesn't mean anything and it won't lead to anything, but to her, right now, it is everything.


End file.
